Thursday, November 3, 2016

DON'T GET TOO CLOSE


So, here I am 31 years old and I realize that I rarely let people into my life. Partly, because that is just how I am and the other part of it is shaped by the experiences that I have gone through. Growing up my sisters and I were close and I had a childhood friend that I was very close to into our college years. After undergrad, into grad school I was really only close to two people in my life. Meaning that I talked to these people often and they knew certain details of my life.

The separation of my parents when I was 17 had an affect on my individual relationships with my parents. So, I wasn't very close to my parents. It really affected my relationship with my Mother as she was the one who left. It also had an affect on my relationship with my sisters. I suppressed a lot of what I was going through but now as I look back I realize that even though I wasn't talking about what I was going through, I was acting out my emotions.

So, a lot was happening for me as I started college. I was 18 and I wanted to get away from home to live my own life. At the same time, my family was broken and I was dealing or not dealing with that. This all impacted how I interacted with my family over the years.

Early on in college, after a few experiences I had a thought process set in place to prevent myself from getting hurt by guys. I was determined to be in control of what happened to me. I wasn't really big on relationships or developing emotional attachments. However, I did develop bonds with a few people over the years. However, generally speaking I did not allow myself to share my soul with many people. I never really bonded with a lot of females like that and even with my guy friends, associates, etc I rarely let anyone in.

So, I went through life not really knowing how or allowing myself to develop relationships with others. I got my degrees, worked hard, partied, and had fun. Most people knew of me, but did not really know me.

After a while, I realized that I had gone all this time not really dealing with the divorce of my parents. Over time, after growing and maturing myself, my relationship got better with my Dad. However, my Mother and I never had the relationship that I would have liked for us to have had. It wasn't the worst of situations but it could have been better. As a child, it's hard to understand why a parent leaves the family. All you know, is that they are gone. Now, I have a better understanding. Yes, I wish I could have understood better back when I was in college and even after college.

Then at 29, life takes an unexpected turn and I'm forced to deal directly with my hurts and pains from over the years. My mother's illness forces us to deal with and work on our relationship.

Presently, I still have these wall ups. So much happened during her illness and after her passing that it actually makes it harder for me to open up to others. However, I am doing better on being more open with my father and my sisters.

So, the first step to resolving any issue is to identify the problem. I know that it won't happen overnight but I'm hopeful that I will begin to share more of my experiences with others. As I know that if you hold onto the pain you will never heal.

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2 comments:

  1. Everybody wants the perfect life, but the truth is no one has had one. Of course some experience a life with very few challenges but the mast majority of people today have had some kind of pain that they have experienced. Whenever anyone loses anything of value it has some kind impact on their lives. I grew up without my father so I can't relate to experiencing having two parents and then losing one to separation, divorce and then death, because when my father left the family I was only two years old. So as much I wish that I could relate to you for the sake of being concern about you, I really can't relate to you but I do understand what you are saying in my own way, because I lost the love my natural life when your mother left, divorce me and then passed away many years later. It was the greatest challenge of my whole life, but it has also given me a broader understanding of what other people go through. Many times people don't survive their painful life experiences without having anger, depression, or acting out their pain to get some kind of attention. I must say that without God truly being in my life I don't know how I would have made it through a marriage separation, divorce, then the passing away of the woman that I love. Isaiah 53:5 says " But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." yes no one will no what it means to be healed without first experiencing sickness or pain. So the greater the sickness or pain the greater the healing experience. Yes I really experienced hurt and pain but the Lord helped me not to be bitter but better, the Lord helped me not to hate but to love, the Lord helped me not to hold un forgiveness but rather to forgive and that's what I've gain from this traumatic experience. When the bible says that "and we know that all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. " It does not say that the experience of all things are good, but rather that all things work towards the good. So I'm growing in my healing everyday and my prayer for you is that you allow the Lord to grow you in your healing. It is a personal process.
    MUCH, Love :)
    Dad

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    1. Thanks for all of your support Dad. Love you ❤

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