Thursday, November 3, 2016

DON'T GET TOO CLOSE


So, here I am 31 years old and I realize that I rarely let people into my life. Partly, because that is just how I am and the other part of it is shaped by the experiences that I have gone through. Growing up my sisters and I were close and I had a childhood friend that I was very close to into our college years. After undergrad, into grad school I was really only close to two people in my life. Meaning that I talked to these people often and they knew certain details of my life.

The separation of my parents when I was 17 had an affect on my individual relationships with my parents. So, I wasn't very close to my parents. It really affected my relationship with my Mother as she was the one who left. It also had an affect on my relationship with my sisters. I suppressed a lot of what I was going through but now as I look back I realize that even though I wasn't talking about what I was going through, I was acting out my emotions.

So, a lot was happening for me as I started college. I was 18 and I wanted to get away from home to live my own life. At the same time, my family was broken and I was dealing or not dealing with that. This all impacted how I interacted with my family over the years.

Early on in college, after a few experiences I had a thought process set in place to prevent myself from getting hurt by guys. I was determined to be in control of what happened to me. I wasn't really big on relationships or developing emotional attachments. However, I did develop bonds with a few people over the years. However, generally speaking I did not allow myself to share my soul with many people. I never really bonded with a lot of females like that and even with my guy friends, associates, etc I rarely let anyone in.

So, I went through life not really knowing how or allowing myself to develop relationships with others. I got my degrees, worked hard, partied, and had fun. Most people knew of me, but did not really know me.

After a while, I realized that I had gone all this time not really dealing with the divorce of my parents. Over time, after growing and maturing myself, my relationship got better with my Dad. However, my Mother and I never had the relationship that I would have liked for us to have had. It wasn't the worst of situations but it could have been better. As a child, it's hard to understand why a parent leaves the family. All you know, is that they are gone. Now, I have a better understanding. Yes, I wish I could have understood better back when I was in college and even after college.

Then at 29, life takes an unexpected turn and I'm forced to deal directly with my hurts and pains from over the years. My mother's illness forces us to deal with and work on our relationship.

Presently, I still have these wall ups. So much happened during her illness and after her passing that it actually makes it harder for me to open up to others. However, I am doing better on being more open with my father and my sisters.

So, the first step to resolving any issue is to identify the problem. I know that it won't happen overnight but I'm hopeful that I will begin to share more of my experiences with others. As I know that if you hold onto the pain you will never heal.

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